humor, writing

sweets galore: how to say no without sounding like an ungracious guest

chay, would you like a delicious double-chocolate fudge brownie-topped slice of creamy goodness that is my special-recipe homemade new york style cheesecake?

HEAD: yes!!!!!

HEART: yes!!!!!

SKIN: make that move buddy and you’re dead to me. DEAD!

MOUTH: sorry brenda, I’m on a solid no-fun diet of pure misery.

My skin breaks out much too easily, so I’ll have to pass. Regrettably.

brenda passes on, offering the plate to others.

allow some time to pass, then while making sure brenda is within earshot, say to a friend:

sucks that I can only taste that delectable piece of magic with my nostrils.

doesn’t matter if you didn’t actually want the cake in the first place.

it doesn’t fit your macros?

it doesn’t belong in your diet plan?

you’re on a gluten-free, no carb no fat (no fun) diet?

NO ONE CARES. (unless you have Celiac’s, then fine; and if you’re vegan, trust me, brenda already knows. we all know. we alllllllllll know.)

and that, ladies and gentlemen, is how to say no without sounding like an annoying gym bro/bunny prick (even if you are); A.K.A. how to be a gracious guest. I also suggest bringing a bottle of moderately-priced wine or flowers.

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